“But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, ‘You are my God.’
My times are in your hands…”
Psalm 31:14-15
Dear Timothy and Ellie,
Sometimes I watch the way your eyes shine and the carefree way you dance and I wonder what troubles the world will bring you. I certainly wouldn’t have predicted what it brought me. The truth is that life was always this unpredictable; I just didn’t experience it until a radiologist stuck a big needle in me and said matter-of-factly, “I’m so convinced this is cancer that if the biopsy results come back negative, I’ll order another biopsy.” It was one of those moments when everything feels a little sideways. Later, as I processed the diagnosis and the words “widespread” and “aggressive” and my new understanding of the brevity of life, I thought a lot about you two.
It has always been pretty straightforward for me to surrender my life to God’s care, with one exception: you. Before cancer, I couldn’t imagine a world in which I was not there with my arms around you, my prayers protecting you, my hands serving you, my voice singing over you, my heart encouraging you. I forgot that these roles, treasured and honorable as they are, do not belong exclusively to me. They are a partnership: an extension of God’s arms, God’s words, God’s hands, God’s voice, God’s heart. Motherhood is so much bigger than me; it is part of God’s good design to show you His selfless, nurturing, fiercely loving character.
Cancer has taught me that my work in your life was never mine to begin with; I am simply a part of God’s good work for your flourishing. It’s all about Him, really. When I serve you, I am really serving Him. When I serve you, it is really Him serving you. Were all the tangible acts of motherhood to cease, you would still fully receive all He has to offer. The God who is love, from whom every mother’s love derives, has you hidden in His heart. It is this assurance of His great love for you that has allowed me to open my hands and surrender your lives to the One who promised to never leave or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). There is such peace in that, for all of us.
You may not remember the details of this season, but I don’t want to waste this opportunity to partner with God in equipping you for the hard seasons that you will encounter someday. I trust that in all the crazy things that are happening to our family right now, He is refining you just as he is refining me. I keep praying for the grace to walk through this season with wisdom and faithfulness, modeling what it looks like to suffer well as a Christian so that someday you will be equipped to do it, too. I pray that you walk the path of life knowing that Jesus, who is “gentle and humble in heart” (Matthew 6:34), “a man of suffering, and familiar with pain” (Isaiah 53:3) walks beside you. And I praise God for the mercy of catching this cancer early and placing me in the path of excellent medical care; I hope I have many years left to see you grow up. But even if I don’t, I have peace, because though someday my mortality will take you out of my hands, nothing can take you out of His hands.
I treasure every moment with you, even more now that I see how fleeting they are. And I pray that you rest in the knowledge that whatever happens, your times are in His loving hands.
Love,
Your mom
This Little Life 